The sacrifices are substantial. The returns are minimal. And yet, the position is a coveted one. Welcome to the life of a wingman.
Picture the scene: one of your best friends is suffering from a crisis of confidence. The twinkle in his eye has flickered out. His smooth-talking has hit a bump in the road. His mojo is no mo’. He needs assistance. He needs you to guide him back into the world of modern romance. He needs you – for want of a better term – to take him under your wing.
So, step up to the plate, take charge and learn how to become the best wingman you can possibly be by using these indispensable tips.
As a wingman, it is your duty to reinvigorate and motivate your friend. And be this by plying him with countless espressos or blasting heavy-metal music at volumes approaching the hazardous, you must find a way to tap into what makes him tick – and get it ticked. (Other acceptable methods are to recount stories of his past glories and grand loves, or to compliment his wardrobe to such an extent that he wants to finally shed his PJs and return to the world outside.)
While on the subject of his appearance, another key piece of wingman work is to remain on hand for the entire night in case of emergencies – sartorial or otherwise. So, if your friend emerges from the bathroom with toilet paper affixed to his Chelsea boots; lets his tie loosen beyond the acceptable quarter inch; or enjoys one too many martinis and starts spilling on his loopwheeled T-shirt, it’s time for you to step in.
In fact, another of your duties is to introduce enough alcohol to socially lubricate proceedings, but not so much that his spirit-induced high spirits give way to slurred words. With this in mind, always make sure you’re waiting in the wings (pun not intended) to swoop in with some water.
Bravery, too, is a crucial characteristic of any worthy wingman. This is a fine line to walk, but some harmless hyperbole never goes amiss. When bigging your friend up to his prospective partner, tell stories that are footed in fact – but don’t be afraid to add some extra spice to make him look even more impressive. However – and this is important – never wing it. Inventing words once you’re already deep in conversation will only lead to confusion – and confusion breeds conflict. Tell them he’s a distant Kennedy, or something of that ilk. A cousin three times removed will do.
The master wingman can read a situation in a second, and react where necessary. Be this intercepting potential threats to your friend’s success or sacrificing your own night to amuse some of his chosen person’s less alluring companions, running interference can save the evening. Helpful tactics include: asking their friends to accompany you to the bar to help carry all the drinks you’re about to buy them; saving seats; tagging in when your friend goes to the bar or bathroom; and striking up a conversation with the hulking, cro-magnon chancer who thinks he’s got a shot and keeps giving your friend fisticuff looks.
It may sound harsh, and unlike the behaviour of a first-rate wingman, but one of your important responsibilities is to know when to cut your losses and dissuade your friend from investing any more of his time.
If this does happen, you must immediately return to step one and pump your friend back up to the levels of confidence he requires to persevere with his night. But, as thankless a task as this may seem, it is the best thing to do. There is nothing worse than letting your friend hit the slumps again – so, if needs be, clip those wings.
Want more etiquette advice? These are the 5 things to always avoid on a first date…
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