How to host

Mike Tyson once said that everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. What he didn’t mention is that everyone thinks they’re a good host until someone’s face gets in the punch. Hosting is a fraught and delicate art. It can end marriages and start wars. It’s why Gentleman’s Journal has enlisted the help of a dinner party’s-worth of confidantes to pull together your cut-out-and-keep guide to faultless function-throwing, no matter the occasion. Do hope you can make it.

First, banish phones with a phone basket at the door. Tough but fair. And get the lighting right, candles are the best – it’s dinner, not an operating theatre after all.

Karaoke is a winner – I don’t care what the snobs think. As Madonna believed, music brings the people together. Talking of which, keep the party together. Too many rooms or nooks and crannies for people to sneak off to feels cliquey and breaks up the vibe. Think of Squid Game: find a space, bolt the doors, and don’t let people leave until... Well this is where the Squid Game analogy breaks down, but you get the general idea.

Food & Drink: I’ve never been a massive fan of laying out a large spread, but doing so makes people feel cared for and spoiled. Include an array of non-alcohol beverages as well as boozy numbers, too. Some of my most fun friends don’t drink (how times have changed), so show them some love.

Music selection: Play what the people want. Or put on Sean Paul’s “Like Glue” and if people don’t dance, turn everything off and chuck everyone out – you’ve got lame mates and there’s no saving things. Finally, bad lighting is a bit homophobic. Good lighting is sexy. Need I say more?

I learnt this tip from one of my friends: [cookery writer] Skye McAlpine. She can effortlessly put on fantastic meals at home for 20 or more with a mix of minimal stress and maximum style. Don’t be afraid of preparing absolutely everything in advance of your guests arriving. Nobody notices if the food is not exactly piping hot, especially if they’ve had too many margaritas (often the case at my house). And it’s more pleasant to host when you can participate in the fun instead of searing salmon and scrambling to make a pan sauce (not that I’d know about that...).

Don’t: Send the invitation out earlier than six weeks before the event – it will be instantly forgotten and then becomes an irritant when you chase people up. Don’t have staff in black shirts, either. The male waiters will stink after an hour and it just looks like a regional wine bar. Serve prosecco as a bellini or kir royale or a bucks fizz which, like the screwdriver, is making a comeback, but never serve it solo – it’s rank. Don’t let the caterers insist on bowl food and poseur tables: they are a massive no-no. (In fact, don’t take advice from caterers at all.) Don’t have live music: it is inevitably too loud and just a bit naff. Don’t have a novelty dress code or any dress code – it’s just miserable. Don’t try and say hello to everyone – you’ll inevitably say hello to no one.

Do: Serve a kilo tin of caviar and sour cream Pringles – no need for caterers – and for the £1,000 saved, you can have the party of the season. Serve vintage or pink champagne if you want the party to go off with a bang. Do make one cocktail – a margarita. Do have mints in the loo – this season is not a time for closed windows and halitosis. A Ralph Lauren candle covers a multitude of sins. Do serve very cold white burgundy and room temperature claret from a magnum. Do make it 6pm till 9pm and have a restaurant table booked afterwards for 10pm – don’t worry, you’ll definitely fill it. And finally, if you have a fire, do please light it.

I never let the music become background noise. I generally let it start off that way while the food is being served, but I compile a dedicated playlist that seamlessly evolves with the evening and builds up to a crescendo once the hard liquor comes out after dinner. That way everyone knows the assignment without you having to spell it out. Those who aren’t down for where the evening is moving can make a hard exit at that point and those who are know to move it up to the next level.

No one wants to wait for a drink at any kind of party – so complicated cocktails are out. We tend to do pre-batched negronis, which are very easy to pour over ice as guests arrive, or even something simpler like fizz with a splash of sloe gin, which is guaranteed to get things moving.

There’s one thing that makes hosting more enjoyable for everyone involved – preparing ahead. Absolutely no cooking à la minute. You get to spend more time with your guests entirely stress-free and most of the washing-up from cooking is probably already done. End your meal with some Chartreuse – it never disappoints.

My advice to any host is to make sure to invite one person in your friend group or family that nobody can stand – a scapegoat. These can take on many forms. There’s the person who does nothing but talk about gut health and their dietary restrictions; the classic blackout drunk; the recently divorced friend who covers their deep sadness by talking endlessly about all the sex they’re having; the chronic disagree-er and one-upper (usually a film director); or the former liberal who recently converted to extreme conservatism. The scapegoat comes in many shapes and sizes – sometimes it’s even a couple, but we all have them in our lives. Scapegoats help bond the others guests, fostering conversation, as you snicker about the miserable talk hole you got stuck in with Amanda about her “gluten-free journey,” or the endless conversation with Gary about the 23-year-old influencer he’s currently having “mind-blowing” sex with. The scapegoat is also useful for covering up the sins, faux pas, and boorish behaviour of you and your other guests. Nobody will care how much liquor you’ve consumed after they’ve carried a passed-out, puke-covered Tom to an Uber. No one will remember the wildly offensive joke you drunkenly made because they’ll be too busy talking about what Roger said about immigrants. So, as you prepare your guest lists, do yourself a favour, and make sure to include a scapegoat.

Making sure you are as prepared as possible before guests arrive. Having your drinks, food and table in order allows you to be present, have a drink and enjoy your party rather than stress. Never start cooking when guests arrive – especially mid-week! There’s nothing worse than having to sit around drinking too much, and exhausting your conversation, knowing the food is being cooked and won’t arrive for ages!

Never underestimate the power of scent. It transports guests, calms the mood, and sets the tone for an unforgettable evening. In our home, a citrusy negroni fragrance is the first thing people are greeted with. It makes them feel welcome and is a nod to our roots. At Le Sirenuse, we’ve found that guests feel most at ease when the evening flows naturally, without a sense of schedule. Let the evening breathe – serve drinks a little longer than planned, extend conversation, and don’t rush to the next course. The best nights are unhurried and full of laughter.

This article appeared in the winter 2025 issue of Gentleman's Journal. Read more about it here...

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